Why Confidence Isn't About What You Do, But Who You Are

It's often said that confidence comes from experience or competence. The more you do something, the more confident you become. But what about the first time? That first day at a new job, that first time giving a presentation, your first session with a client. By definition, on your first try, you have no experience. So where do you find the courage to even begin?

Imagine your first day as a therapist. You've qualified, you've organised your accreditation, your insurance, and your space is organised. But some uncomfortable thoughts start to creep in: "What if I don't know what to say?" or "What if I'm not good enough?"

There's a common misconception that confidence in your new role can be present at your very first session. Confidence is built on experience, it's what you get after you've successfully done something multiple times, so, what do you rely on in the meantime?

---

From Self-Doubt to Self-Trust

What you can rely on for your first day, and the following sessions where you're building your experience, is your self-acceptance or self-trust. This is your anchor. Basically, no one else can be you as well as you can. That’s your stabilising confidence, the one thing you can be certain of.

It's also helpful to focus on your purpose, not your performance. Why did you study to be a therapist? Why did you apply for that job? Use this purpose to guide you, not a need for a perfect session.

---

How REBT Helps: The Power of Honest Self-Talk

Anxiety around a lack of confidence often comes from irrational beliefs, such as, "I must be perfect on my first attempt."  If you have this belief, the anxiety triggered when you aren’t perfect could put your body into fight or flight mode, which could happen at the exact point that you need to be calm, thoughtful, and present (Joseph, 2016). A core tenet of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) is that we can change these beliefs to more rational ones. You can shift your thinking from:

• Irrational Belief: "If this session doesn't go well, I am a failure."
• Rational Belief: "I might not be perfect in my first session, but I am prepared, and I will be present. As a beginner, it's okay not to have all the answers."

This shift in belief allows you to move away from crippling anxiety and toward a more grounded perspective.

REBT also supports the idea of honest self-talk. Instead of forcing positive affirmations that can feel inauthentic, for example, telling yourself "I can do this!" when you're not sure that you can, be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your nervousness and combine it with your rational belief. For example: "I am nervous, and I am also capable of showing up and listening." This reduces internal conflict and promotes a stronger sense of self-trust.

---

Values as Your Compass

It's also helpful to use your own personal values to guide you and to support your worries about not being confident enough and to reinforce your feelings of confidence about yourself.

Your values are basically what you stand for, and to help identify yours, try to think about the following.

·      Reflect on a time when you felt most proud or fulfilled.

·      What core value were you expressing in that moment?

·      What is important to you in life?

·      What are the things that you believe are worth striving for?

·      How do your values affect the way you think about yourself, the way you interact with others, and the way you make decisions?

Focus on what you believe is important to bring into your role, such as empathy, non-judgment, or a commitment to helping others. When you act in a way that aligns with your values, you're more likely to be happy with your abilities, regardless of the outcome of a single session.

A small caveat, while the phrase, “Bring your whole self to work,” is popular, it isn’t always realistic as professional environments may require you to act within certain boundaries. It is still possible to have your core values present, even if your personality is expressed in a more measured way and your work persona could be considered one role you play.

In summary, confidence isn’t the starting point, it’s the destination you reach through experience and is developed through trust in yourself along with an awareness of your own beliefs and values. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be you.

 

References

Joseph, A. (2016). Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. West Sussex, Capstone.

 

 

Why Your Body Isn’t Listening When You Tell It To Lose Weight

You've done everything right. You've tracked your food intake to the nearest gram and counted every single calorie. You've sweated, calculated, and you've deprived yourself. You've followed the "calories in, calories out" rule religiously, expecting that steady pound a week to melt away. Yet, your reality has been far more confusing and frustrating.

If the concept of calories in/calories out (CICO) was a fact, then weight loss would be simple. We would cut out 3,500 calories a week and consistently expect a loss of one pound. But that isn't the experience of most dieters, so something else must be happening. The CICO narrative is so entrenched that someone who doesn't lose their expected pound a week can feel like they're doing something wrong, that they are failing.

Beyond the Equation

If we can gently place CICO to one side for a moment, let's explore what other influences could be involved. Other factors in our lives significantly influence metabolism and weight, including:

• Hormonal Changes: Your unique hormonal landscape, including the menstrual cycle, perimenopause, menopause, thyroid issues, insulin resistance, and stress hormones like cortisol, all play a powerful part in how your body processes and stores energy.
• Sleep Quality: The quantity and quality of your sleep directly impact hunger hormones (ghrelin and leptin), influencing cravings and satiety signals.
• Stress: Chronic stress can disrupt your body's balance, affecting cravings, fat storage patterns, and overall energy levels.
• Gut Health: Emerging research continues to uncover the significant role your gut microbiome plays in metabolism and weight regulation.

Additionally, research into Ultra-Processed Foods is showing some very interesting outcomes. A recent study found that people who ate processed food consumed more calories and gained more weight than those who ate a whole-food diet, even when calories, fat, sugar, and fibre were matched between the groups (Hall et al, 2019).

How do you deal with this? Prioritise whole, unprocessed foods. Become a label detective and question ingredients that don't sound like real food. Have you ever found yourself cooking and thought, "This needs some Carboxymethylcellulose to be perfect?"

The Unseen Burden

It might sound slightly counterintuitive, but the journey towards a 'smaller' you can trigger feelings of loss, or a profound sadness around actually trying to 'get rid' of part of your own body.

What feels like resistance is often your mind reacting to deeply ingrained beliefs. You might not even realize you hold them. For instance, if, deep down, you've always believed, "If I don’t lose weight this time, it means I’m a failure," then facing the challenges of weight loss can stir up immense anxiety and a sense of impending doom, even before you begin.

Beyond that central, often unspoken, fear of failure, other feelings of loss could include:

• Losing a long-established coping mechanism: Having to let go of using food for comfort can leave a significant void.
• Loss of identity: If you've always been the 'big friend' or defined yourself by your size, changing this can be disorienting.
• Loss of protection: For some, extra weight might act as a barrier to unwanted attention, and it can feel difficult to be 'seen' differently.
• Loss of joy/social connection: All cultures have a food-sharing aspect that simply can't be replicated without food, and rejecting it could feel like a huge sacrifice.

---

How REBT Can Help You

None of these feelings are 'wrong'; they don't mean you're weak. Instead, they're feelings attached to our own deeply held beliefs, about us or how the world works, for example, "If I don’t lose weight this time, it means I’m a failure". Acknowledging these feelings is incredibly helpful, as they are a vital step on the path to understanding yourself. By bringing these beliefs into the light we can begin to challenge them, reducing the anxiety and shame they can stir up.

---

Movement as Love: Redefining Exercise for Body Appreciation

Another unhelpful myth is the "Just move more" mantra. It isn't that simple. While exercise does burn calories, its primary and most transformative role in sustainable health goes far beyond that.

Exercise can unfortunately be seen as a punishment – "You ate that cake, you'd better get straight to the gym." That mindset is unhelpful and unsustainable. Don't punish yourself; it won't foster a lasting love for movement. Instead, how about thinking of exercise as a way to celebrate your body? Find out what it can do. Exercise can be a profound act of self-love, showing your body that you can hear its needs and appreciate its capabilities.

The benefits of joyful movement, even if we take weight loss out of the equation, are immense for your overall well-being:

• Stress reduction: Movement is a powerful way to calm your nervous system.
• Improved mood: Physical activity releases endorphins, boosting your spirits.
• Better sleep: Regular exercise contributes to more restful nights.
• Increased strength and flexibility: You build physical capability that enhances everyday life.
• Improved focus: When we move, our brains respond by becoming more receptive to learning. Exercise triggers the brain to produce brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a protein vital for brain health and cognitive function (Sleiman et al, 2016).

---

Your Body's Wisdom: A Path to Understanding and Kindness

Weight loss is multifactorial; it isn't just about calories. REBT offers principles that can help you shift your focus, cultivating a healthier relationship between you and your body.

Instead of rigid 'musts' and self-criticism, cultivate self-compassion. Be flexible in your approach, adjusting as you learn more about your unique body and mind.

Your journey to health isn't about shrinking yourself to fit a societal ideal. It's about expanding your understanding of what truly nourishes you, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's about building a relationship with your body based on kindness and respect, not punishment and deprivation.

---

Your Call to Action:

• What's one belief you might be holding onto about weight loss that isn't serving you?
• How can you incorporate more joyful movement into your week?
• How can you be more aware of what is, and what isn't, an ultra-processed food?

---

 

References

Hall, K.D., Ayuketah, A., Brychta, R., Cai, H., Cassimatis, T., Chen, K.Y., Chung, S.T., Costa, E., Courville, A., Darcey, V., Fletcher, L.A., Forde, C.G., Gharib, A.M., Guo, J., Howard, R., Joseph, P.V., McGehee, S., Ouwerkerk, R., Raisinger, K., Rozga, I., Stagliano, M., Walter, M., Walter, P.J., Yang, S. & Zhou, M. (2019) 'Ultra-Processed Diets Cause Excess Calorie Intake and Weight Gain: An Inpatient Randomized Controlled Trial of Ad Libitum Food Intake', Cell Metabolism, 30(1), pp. 67-77.e3. doi: 10.1016/j.cmet.2019.05.020. (Accessed 31 July 2025).

 

Sleiman, S.F., Henry, J., Al-Haddad, R., El Hayek, L., Abou Haidar, E., Stringer, T., Ulja, D., Karuppagounder, S.S., Holson, E.B., Ratan, R.R., Ninan, I. & Chao, M.V. (2016) 'Exercise promotes the expression of brain derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) through the action of the ketone body β-hydroxybutyrate', eLife, 5, p.e15092. doi: 10.7554/eLife.15092. (Accessed 31 July 2025).

 

Why A Hot Flush Can Feel Like a Panic Attack

For many women, hot flushes are just an annoying part of peri- and post-menopause.  They experience a sudden wave of heat and some sweating, then, like a wave, it ebbs away.

 

But there are a lot of women for whom their hot flushes don’t make a benign visit and casually flow away, for many, a hot flush is a very big deal.  A hot flush can mean an intense surge of anxiety, panic, or an overwhelming feeling of dread.  They might have all the symptoms of severe anxiety, that is, a racing heart, chest pain, shortness of breath, trembling or shaking, or extreme muscle reactions, from tension to numbness. 

These symptoms don’t mean that something has gone terribly wrong, they’re the result of our brains trying to protect us.  Our brains are constantly monitoring our bodies to keep us safe.  If we accidentally reach out and touch something hot, for example, an iron that we didn’t realise was switched on, our brains tell us instantly, to pull our hands away.  If we develop a fever, our brains register the serious threat to safety and encourage us to seek coolness and rest, our conscious thoughts are aware that sipping cool drinks and resting are what a feverish illness needs.

Now, think of this system facing a sudden, intense surge of heat.  Our brains don’t seem to have a category for, ‘menopausal hot flush’.  Now it’s sure that it’s dealing with a real and serious threat and kicks into overdrive.  The brain is seeing this sudden intense heat as "DANGER! FEVER! HEATSTROKE! ACT NOW!"

We could think of this system as an organic, finely tuned smoke alarm.  This alarm will detect fire and thick smoke, but it will also detect slightly scorched toast.  This doesn’t mean the alarm is broken, it just means that it’s very, very sensitive. Both alerts are entirely automatic. The symptoms of a hot flush can feel like the symptoms of a panic attack, as the symptoms of a smoke alarm for scorched toast can sound like the symptoms for an out of control fire. Trying to consciously stop that primal alarm, in the moment, would be like shouting at a smoke alarm, “It’s just toast!”

This is all uncomfortable enough, but what can the aftermath be, when our conscious brain tries to make sense of what just happened. Then there is a secondary layer of discomfort. 

Negative Interpretations can pop up, for example, "I can't cope with this," "This is unbearable," "Something is terribly wrong with me," or "I'm losing control"

Self-Consciousness and Shame can be felt. If a hot flush strikes in public, thoughts like "Everyone is staring" or "This is so embarrassing" can add to the distress.

Anticipatory Anxiety the vivid memory of the intense fear often leads to dread and worry about future hot flushes, causing some women to avoid warm environments, social situations, or activities they once enjoyed.

This creates a self-perpetuating cycle: the hot flush triggers the primal alarm, the alarm is terrifying, and the thoughts about the terrifying alarm then fuel more anxiety and distress, making future hot flushes even more feared.

Finding Relief

It's natural to want to "disrupt" or "fight" this overwhelming feeling, but battling against your own automatic nervous system can, ironically, amplify your distress. We can’t change the way our brains work, what we can do is change our acceptance of how they work and reframe our experience.

Firstly,

Validate Your Experience: Crucially, your intense fear and panic are real.  These feelings are as real as if you were facing an actual threat to your safety. These feelings are understandable; they’re baked into the way the brain works. Also, you’re not the only woman who lives with these real, intense feelings.

Understand the "Why": Learning about your brain’s primal alarm system can be empowering. It shifts the experience from "I've gone mad" to "My brain is just trying to protect me, but it's misinterpreting the signal." I like to think of myself shouting at a smoke alarm, you can find what works for you.

Regulate Your Nervous System: We can’t stop the alarm, we need to accept that, but we can waft a tea towel in front of the smoke alarm sensor – we wouldn’t be able to do that if we were dealing with an actual fire. There are lots of somatic, or body techniques to self-soothe, to acknowledge the message and calm the systems down.

Cultivate Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. It's challenging to experience this intense internal turmoil. Practicing self-compassion helps you move from self-criticism to a place of acceptance and gentle self-support.

By understanding your brain's primal response and learning to work with your body, you can transform your experience of hot flushes from one of overwhelming dread to one of greater calm, acceptance, and a renewed sense of control over your well-being. If you're struggling, reaching out to a professional who understands this complex interplay can offer invaluable support on your path to greater peace.

 

Navigating AI for Mental Health Support

The Rise of AI

The technology behind Large Language Models (LLMs) has been developing for years, early versions have been powering search engines since 2018, but there were no tools to allow the public to converse with them. This changed in 2022 with the public release of ChatGPT, which had a conversation interface. There is a growing area of research which is exploring the potential and limitations of Gen-AI Chatbots, that is the type of AI that can create new content and ideas, while a chatbot engages in authentic two-way conversations.

A recent clinical trial tested a Gen-AI chatbot called 'Therabot’ (Heinz, et al, 2025). The study included participants with diagnosed conditions such as Major Depressive Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder and reported promising results, including an average of 51% reduction in depression symptoms and a 31% reduction in generalised anxiety symptoms over four weeks. Users reported a significant 'therapeutic alliance' with the chatbot, a factor often linked to positive outcomes in human therapy.

However, this ever-expanding field of research also highlights the limitations and risks of such tools, emphasising ongoing concerns regarding safety, accurate crisis response, and the absence of genuine human understanding or accountability.

Potential Benefits

• Anonymous Support – AI can act as a sounding board for discussing thoughts and feelings anonymously
• Unlimited Availability – immediate, round-the-clock support with quick answers to questions about symptoms, conditions, and therapy types.
• Educational – AI will have information on all therapeutic modalities and can be used for ideas for mindfulness exercises, journaling prompts, and thought reframing techniques.

Possible Risks and Limitations

• Lack of Empathy and Human Connection – AI cannot genuinely empathise with or understand the nuances of human experience, an LLM will never have experienced any human emotions.
• No Crisis Support – AI isn’t equipped to intervene, diagnose or connect users to emergency services.

Caution

• Accuracy & Bias: AI models learn from vast datasets, which can contain biases or misinformation. Their responses might be incorrect or even harmful.
• No Diagnosis or Personalised Treatment: AI cannot diagnose mental health conditions or develop tailored treatment plans based on a full clinical assessment.
• Confidentiality & Privacy Concerns: Shared data isn’t confidential or safe. Users have no guarantee how their sensitive information will be used or stored.
• Lack of Accountability & Regulation: There's no licensing body for AI. If an AI gives harmful advice, there's no professional accountability.
• Superficiality: AI interactions are superficial, lacking the depth needed to address complex trauma, deep-seated issues, or personality disorders.
• Risk of Dependency: Users could become overly reliant on AI, potentially isolating themselves from real human connections.

The value of a human psychotherapist in an AI world

AI has its uses, but it isn’t a panacea. AI offers new possibilities to both clients and therapists, for example, I’m happy to use it to make sure my worksheets are as useful and concise as possible. AI can be helpful in creating journalling prompts, and while I’m willing to go through AI scripts with clients, I’m aware of the limitations. AI isn’t a substitute for professional mental health care. As a therapist I focus on the following, Genuine empathy, active listening, and ability to build a therapeutic relationship.
Ability to assess complex situations, work in collaboration with clients, and tailor treatment.
Understanding of non-verbal cues, tone, and cultural nuances.
Ethical and confidential framework, I have to be accredited, insured, and undertake regular clinical supervision.

The risks of AI interaction from AI itself

"Despite my capacity for generating vast information and mimicking human interaction, I lack true consciousness, genuine empathy, and lived experience. My responses, derived from patterns, are susceptible to factual inaccuracies and ingrained biases, fundamentally limiting my ability to offer nuanced ethical judgment, a true therapeutic connection, or the real-time, compassionate understanding that only a human can provide." (Gemini, July 2025)

REBT is a deeply collaborative process. I work with you to identify, challenge, and dispute irrational beliefs. This isn't a generic output; it's a dynamic, personalised journey of discovery and change.